After The Fall
by projectseraphim
Summary: Kaidan Alenko tries to deal with the loss of Shepard after the destruction of the Normandy and piece what remains of his life back together. M for Adult Themes.  ME2 spoilers.
1. Skies are Breaking

A/N- Reviews and comments are welcome :)

01/22/2010-made an edit to the dialogue during the destruction of the Normandy

**Chapter One-Skies Are Breaking**

The familiar pain in his temple woke him up. Again. He screwed his eyes shut against it, but it didn't help. It never helped. He turned to his side and opened one eye to look at the clock on the nightstand. 0200 hours.

_Perfect, _he thought to himself as he pushed himself upright to sit on the edge of the bed.

He looked behind him to see the sleeping form next to him and, despite the pain, smiled to himself. He stood and walked over to the desk where his jacket was strewn across it with no real care. His deeply satisfied muscles made him remember how it got there in the first place and he smiled again.

But the pain in his head was persistent, _Damn L2s, _he thought bitterly. He fumbled around the jacket pockets looking for the pen that he always kept for moments like these. He found the smooth, white instrument in one of the inside pockets.

He pulled the desk chair out quietly and sat down. He braced the pen against his neck and pushed the button down, releasing the medication into his body. He didn't move for several long moments while he waited for it to move through his blood stream.

_Finally_, he thought as the pain started to slowly ebb away and he tried relaxed, _thanks, Dr. Chakwas._

Kaidan rolled his neck and shoulders to help him unwind. As he did, he drank in the sight of the woman still asleep in the bed. The blue lights of the clock glinted off of her fair skin and the blanket on the bed did nothing to hide the curve of her hip.

He sighed softly and thought briefly about crawling back into bed, but his mind was awake now and he didn't believe he could go back to sleep if he tried. Instead, he decided on a shower to clear his mind.

The steam was helping him to numb his thoughts; as was the chaotic rhythm of the water dancing across his tanned skin. He braced one hand against the bulkhead while he ran the other through his dark hair and just let the water pour down his face. His migraine had completely faded away by the time he stepped onto the cool tile floor.

Kaidan breathed deeply as the steam dissipated and he toweled off his hair. He barely heard the whisper of footsteps behind him, but when he felt her finger tips slide across his wet skin, it sent electric shivers down his spine.

"What's the matter, Lieutenant?" she whispered into his ear, "Can't sleep?"

The word "lieutenant" sent another shiver rippling through his body. She often called him by his rank, but in this setting it felt more intimate, sensual. He turned to face her and placed one hand on her bare waist while the other hand still gripped his towel. He lowered his forehead to hers and pulled her closer until he could wrap his arm around her strong, yet lithe, body.

"I didn't wake you did I, Commander?"

She smiled up at him, "It's okay, Kaidan." She reached up to place her hand on the side of his face; he closed his eyes at her touch, "Another migraine?"

He threw the towel onto the sink and brushed her blonde bangs out of her face and looked deeply into her green eyes, "I'm fine. I just needed to relax."

A smirk played at the corner of her mouth, "I think I can help with that."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his mouth to hers. The kiss started soft, but it was incredibly inviting and soon it turned into something more feverish. The air around them seemed to tingle with the electricity of it. He tangled his fingers into her hair as she arched into him, pulling their bodies even closer together.

When he finally broke away, he was breathless. He _loved_ this woman. Her bright green eyes flashed a fire deep within him, sparking his desire. "You're going to wear me out, Shepard," he said as he swept her off her feet and carried her back into the bedroom. "I might have to start considering this 'abuse of power'."

Kaidan smirked as he lay her softly back on the bed, she returned with a smirk of her own, "Oh? Shall I take that as a formal complaint, Lieutenant?" She pulled him down into the bed and he settled over her, kissing her pale pink lips again and again. He kissed a trail down her neck onto her clavicle and smiled at the gasp that escaped from her.

"I think I'll keep my complaints to myself for now," he chuckled as he kissed her neck again. Her body glowed with biotic energy as she seized him by the shoulders and slammed him into the mattress with little effort, reversing their positions. "Although, you should use your biotics for good, and not for evil."

Her eyes smoldered, "Evil? I can show you evil." Her body started to glow again.

"Oh no, you don't," he pulled her to him and threw a barrier around the both of them. She giggled and pretended to struggle. He loved it when she did that, it was such a switch from the strong, confidant Commander Shepard that ruled the CIC. And even though that was the Shepard he fell for, he still was happy to see her unrestrained and relaxed.

After laughing with her for a few long moments he let the barrier down and just admired the sight in front of him. His eyes traced every inch of her face, as if he was committing to memory. They paused over a faded scar on her cheek. It was a mark of the Skyllian Blitz. He was always amazed that it was the only lasting physical wound that she walked away with. She told him once that Dr. Chakwas offered to smooth it out, but she refused, she wanted the reminder. It only made him love and admire her more.

Moving from her face down to her neck and chest, his eye caught a fresher scar. It started just above her breast and wrapped over her left shoulder. He was there for this wound. After defeating Saren and the destruction of Sovereign, part of the Reaper came crashing into the Council Chambers and it brought a large portion of the structure down on top of them. It separated him from Shepard and he thought he lost her forever. She called it her "scratch". He called it lucky.

The fingertips dancing across his lips broke him from his reverie, "A penny for your thoughts?"

"I love you, Alice."

She planted a soft kiss on forehead and then on his lips, "And I love you."

oOo

1430 hours. Kaidan yawned and stretched his arms overhead.

"Didn't get much sleep, Alenko?" asked the turian hunched over an electronics board in the Mako.

"Erm, no Garrus. Not really."

"Hmm, you know, I saw the Commander yawning on my way down here. I wonder if she's been having trouble, too." Garrus threw a sideways glance in Kaidan's direction.

His relationship with the Commander wasn't exactly a secret. But no one seemed to mind, and they never flaunted it in front of the crew. Even though he did get the occasional smirk or comment from Joker.

"Not sure. Can you hand me that screwdriver?"

Garrus gave a small laugh and handed the tool over to him. He had just taken apart the panel in front of him and peered inside when Shepard voice came over the Mako's comm.

"Any luck with the Nav, guys?"

Kaidan responded, "Not yet, still checking. We haven't figured out where the power shortage is coming from yet."

"Check the C-582 capacitors. They have an issue with overheating. There should be a cluster of them to the left of the drive control circuits."

Kaidan felt around and found the board that housed the components that Shepard was referring to. He unscrewed the housing and, sure enough, every capacitor was burned out.

"We've got it, Shepard."

Garrus chuckled, "She sure knows her tech."

He smiled in agreement. She really did know her tech, but it was to be expected of someone with her training. She was a sentinel, just like he was, she just happened to be better at it. "I'll go ahead and get the new components, and then we can be done with this damn thing."

Garrus nodded, "Yeah, I'll start putting these boards back in."

Kaidan made his way out of the Mako and over to section of the deck where they stored the electronic supplies. He glanced over to the armory. Wrex was polishing up assault rifles, prepping them for their new mods. Next to Wrex, on the bulkhead, was a memorial to Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, as well as the Salarians that fought alongside them on Virmire. He closed his eyes for a moment to pay his respects before rummaging through the drawer of components, looking for the ones he needed.

"Ah! There you are…"

The deck seemed to shift underneath him and he swayed to try and keep his balance. He looked back at the armory and saw Wrex brace himself against a table.

"What the hell was that?"

"I'm not sure, Wrex. Lemme check with—"

Joker's voice came over the intercom, "PREPARE FOR EVASIVE MANUEVERS!"

The ship rocked hard and Shepard's voice rang through the deck's intercom, "All hands to the escape pods!"

The entire deck rocked again, knocking Kaidan down. He immediately scrambled to his feet as Garrus stumbled over. He shouted at the turian, "Garrus! You and Wrex clear this deck! Get everyone to the escape pods!"

Garrus barely had time to respond before Kaidan made a mad dash to the stairs leading up to the next deck. He only made it up 10 steps before the ship rocked violently to port, slamming him against the bulkhead. He groaned as he straightened himself and threw a barrier around himself.

He hit his comm, "Joker! What the hell is going on up there?"

"We're under attack! I don't know by what, but they're fucking shooting at us!"

"Where's the Commander? " He reached the top of the stairs and turned to his locker, fumbling for his body armor.

"She's clearing out the crew deck! Hang on, we're banking starboard!"

Kaidan was closing the fastenings on his chest plate as whole ship seemed to turn on its side, throwing him against the locker. Fortunately, his barrier held and it only knocked the breath out of him. He stood up and closed the last fastenings securing his armor in place and grabbed his helmet.

"Banking port!"

The bulkhead shuddered around him and the electrical panels began to spark. An explosion went off in the staircase as the bulkheads began to come apart, knocking him off of his feet.

He groaned as he tried to stand, "Joker! The Normandy's shields are not going to hold! Shepard gave the order to evacuate! Get yourself to the pods!"

"I can do it, Alenko! I can save her!"

_I can save her, _Joker's words pounded in his head over and over again, _Alice! I have to find Alice! _He ran as fast as he could to the crew deck

He turned the corner into the crew deck as several of the Normandy's crew were running the opposite direction to the escape pods.

"Shepard!"

"I'm over here, Kaidan!"

Shepard, already suited in her body armor was trying to put out fires that were sparking out of the bulkheads. But every time one went out, another came exploding in her face.

Kaidan grabbed her arm, "Are you alright? What do you need me to do?"

"I'm fine, Kaidan, I sent the distress signal out."

"Do you think the Alliance will get here in time?"

Shepard turned to face him. Even through the face plate of her helmet, the worry in her eyes was apparent, "I don't know Kaidan."

"Joker is still up in the CIC," he put his helmet on, "and I'm not leaving either."

Shepard rested her helmet against his for a moment before pulling away. "I'll get Joker. Get to the escape pods."

"Alice—"

Shepard was turning, heading for the stairs, "Kaidan, go. Now."

"Aye, aye." _I love you..._

oOo

He was almost completely drained from keeping his barrier up, dodging explosions and flying debris, when he made it to the escape pods. Garrus and Wrex were ushering Liara, Tali, and Dr. Chakwas into a pod, when Garrus spotted him.

"Alenko! There you are! We've got all the crew into the pods."

Wrex chimed in, "Well, the live ones at least. Where's Shepard?"

"She's grabbing Joker. There's an auxiliary pod on the CIC deck that they can use. Let's go, get in."

Wrex ducked into the pod, but Garrus didn't move, "Alenko? You alright?"

Kaidan shook his head. "I don't like leaving her, Garrus."

Garrus looked down at the deck, "I know, neither do I. But she gave you an order, right?" Kaidan nodded. "Then get in, we're getting the hell out of here."

Kaidan hesitated long enough for Garrus to grab him by the shoulder, "I said _get in_, Kaidan."

Garrus shoved him inside the pod and followed behind, securing the hatch.

"I'm hitting the launch," Tali called from the other side.

"Do it," replied Garrus.

Everything shifted hard as the pod ejected away from the ship. Kaidan looked out the porthole and his heart dropped.

The Normandy, the ship that carried them to Ilos, the ship that put the nail in Sovereign's coffin, was breaking apart. The whole top of the ship was nearly ripped off, exposing the CIC. Fear and panic gripped his stomach hard, he felt like he was going to be sick.

He looked past the Normandy, past the horizon of the nearby planet, at the attacking ship. It was something he had never seen before. It was an enormous cylinder.

And it was getting ready to fire.

He heart jumped into his throat as he saw the attacking ship's forward batteries fire directly into the heart of the Normandy.

Garrus was also looking out the porthole, "There! There's the CIC pod!"

Sure enough, there was an escape pod barreling away from the Normandy just as it finally burst at the seams. Kaidan let out a breath in relief. His heart was starting to slow until Garrus spoke again.

"Wait…"

"What?" Garrus didn't answer, he just sat there, staring wide eyed out the porthole. Kaidan looked too, but couldn't see anything. "What, Garrus?"

Garrus turned away from the porthole and hung his head, removing his eyepiece. Kaidan stared at Garrus's hand. One night in the crew deck, Garrus showed him how it worked over drinks. He knew it could magnify far more than any organic could naturally. Garrus could see something he couldn't. Something he didn't want to share with Kaidan. He was hiding something.

All sense left Kaidan as he launched himself at Garrus, taking the eyepiece and throwing a barrier up to pin Garrus against the pod's bulkhead.

"Kaidan, what are you doing?" shouted Liara. He didn't answer her. He just adjusted the eyepiece over his left eye and looked back out the porthole.

His eye flicked around the burning wreckage of the Normandy. He couldn't see anything. He kept searching around, holding Garrus in place. Then something came in from the corner of his eye.

Something was kicking. He tried to focus more and the kicking shape became clear. That armor. That modded pistol. It was her. She was thrashing around, grabbing at her helmet. She was floating out in the void, heading towards the planet.

"Shepard…" he whispered.

He dropped the eyepiece to the deck, letting go of the barrier. Garrus grabbed his equipment, placing it on the seat and grabbing Kaidan by the shoulders.

Kaidan couldn't hear Garrus, or anyone else for that matter. His head hurt and everything was starting to blur. He wanted to scream.

"No! NO! Nononononononononono!" His biotic energy was starting to pour out of him. He faintly heard Garrus yell for Liara.

He felt someone wrapping their arms around him. He tried to focus his eyes, it was the young asari. She was throwing a barrier around the both of them, trying to contain the energy seeping out of every pore of his skin.

"No! Alice! ALLLLLIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCEEEEEE!" Kaidan felt something wet against his neck. Liara placed her face there, holding him to her chest. He could feel her crying and it just squeezed his heart more. He let out a scream of anguish, and a flood of energy filled the barrier.

"Calm him down, Liara!" shouted Garrus.

"Kaidan…"

His head was swimming in biotic energy. He knew if he didn't stop, he was going to hemorrhage. Liara placed her hand on his face, "Calm down, Kaidan. Please…"

He tried to focus his eyes, "She's…she's…"

The whole world went black.


	2. Let It Be

**a/n-I hate writer's block DX**

**Chapter Two- Let It Be**

47 days, 6 hours, and 13 minutes ticked by. The first 4 days, 2 hours, and 38 minutes were spent in an Alliance hospital with stern military doctors lecturing him about how reckless he was and that he almost died.

"You're a lucky man, Lieutenant. With as much biotics as you were swimming in, your implants in your brain should have shattered. If that had happened, it would have severed the connective tissues and you would have bled to death."

Kaidan felt he would have been luckier if that damned L2 implant _had_ shattered. _Hey, no more migraines, right Doc? _Admiral Hackett requested he take a minimum of 30 days sick leave in order to recover and pull himself back together.

And that he see an Alliance shrink.

Kaidan sat in the living room of his new flat in one of the recently rebuilt wards. Anderson had set him up in the 900 blocks, it was a nice place, certainly bigger than what he was used to. But he knew that the captain did it so he could keep an eye on him. Not that he blamed his former CO; he just didn't like the idea that people felt he had to be babysat.

He unbuttoned the jacket of his dress blues and leaned forward to pour himself a drink. Ice clinked around the small glass as he lifted it up to take a sip. Anderson had given him a bottle of scotch as a house-warming/sympathy gift and this was the first time he felt like he really needed it. It burned his throat on the way down. _So, this is scotch, Captain? It tastes like fossil fuel. _He took another sip; _It's not that bad actually…_

Taking another sip of his drink, he picked up a small holoframe and then leaned back against the sofa cushions. He thumbed the edge of the frame; inside it was a holo of a fair-skinned woman with platinum blond hair and the greenest eyes he had ever seen. He smiled to himself as he gazed at the holo of Alice, _With eyes and hair like that; she always seemed more than human. Like a Valkyrie, or a demigod…_

It was also the only picture of her that he had with her dressed in something other than her Alliance uniform. She wore a red lightweight long-sleeved shirt and dark denim jeans. It was windy that day and her hair blew around her face, but she still looked amazing.

Kaidan closed his eyes and thought about weekend that the picture was taken. It was shortly after the Battle of The Citadel, the Normandy resupplied in the nearby Boltzmann system, on Bekenstein. Shepard gave the whole crew a weekend pass and kicked them off of the Normandy, giving her and Kaidan some much needed alone time. _The only time we really ever had…_

Kaidan opened his eyes and looked down at his omni tool. He opened it and scrolled through his files, looking for one in particular. It was a song that she really liked; she told him it was her favorite. It was by some old Earth band called The Beatles and her father used to sing it to her all the time. After a moment or two, he found it and music began to softly play from his omni tool.

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be…"

Kaidan took another sip of scotch and let his head loll back against the sofa and closed his eyes. His thoughts drifted to that weekend on Bekenstein. He could almost touch her soft, pale hair and taste her sweet skin. He wound himself up in his thoughts, pushing any sign of reality away. He was back on the Normandy, tangled with her. And unbeknownst to him, his biotics were flaring, lifting several objects around him and suspending them in the air.

A voice interrupted his daydream, "Kaidan?"

Kaidan's eyes snapped open and he sat up right. As he did, the holoframe and the bottle of scotch fell harmlessly onto the sofa. The lamp, on the other hand, smashed into the hardwood floor. "Shit!"

Kaidan looked to the direction of the voice; a familiar turian was standing in his living room, "Garrus?"

Garrus bent to pick up the shards of the broken lamp from the floor, "I've been trying to get you to answer the door for the last ten minutes. Your VI finally let me in."

A disembodied female synthesized voice filled the air, "My apologies Kaidan, I could not rouse you to open the door. And Officer Vakarian is a respected member of C-Sec…"

Kaidan rubbed his forehead, "It's fine, Erin. Garrus is a friend." He stood and placed his glass on the table, "What can I do for you, Garrus? I'd offer you a drink, but I don't think I have anything dextro-friendly…"

"You left the memorial, Kaidan."

Kaidan sucked in sharply, as if someone was pressing on his chest, "Yeah, I did." He bent to pour himself another drink and raised the glass to his lips, "I thought I'd have my own private memorial for her."

Garrus scowled and crossed his arms, "We all miss her, Kaidan."

Kaidan took another sip, "It's different for me."

Garrus stepped closer and took the glass out of his hand, placing it back on the table, "Dammit Kaidan! I know it's different for you! We all do!" Garrus pulled in a slow breath, "She wouldn't want this for you. And if you don't believe that…"

Kaidan narrowed his dark eyes at the turian's blue ones, "I know that. I have barely touched a dri—"

"Not the drinking," Garrus interrupted, "The locking yourself away. No one has heard more than two words from you since it happened."

Kaidan turned away from Garrus, "I just wanted to be alone."

"Well, you're not allowed to be, not today," Garrus placed his hand on Kaidan's shoulder, turning him back to face him, "Anderson asked me to find you. He says that there's someone you should meet."

Kaidan lifted an eyebrow, "And who's that?"

oOo

"Alenko, there you are!" Anderson called from his table in the embassy lounge. "We were wondering where you ran off to."

Kaidan and Garrus walked over to the table and took their seats. Kaidan looked across at the woman sitting next to Captain Anderson. Her nose and hair were all wrong, but she had the same green eyes. _The demigod…_

"Alenko, I'd like you to meet Captain Hannah Shepard, XO of the Kilimanjaro. She's Alice's mother."

The woman reached across and offered her hand to Kaidan, "Nice to finally meet you, Kaidan. I've heard quite a bit about you."

Kaidan took her hand and shook it, "Hopefully it wasn't all bad. But it is nice to meet you as well, ma'am."

Anderson stood from the table, as did Garrus, "Well there are some things I need to attend to. Alenko, you are to report to Captain Charles at 0700 tomorrow for your new orders. Captain Shepard," he held his hand down to Hannah, "It was a pleasure. I'm sure we'll see each other again before you leave the Citadel." Anderson nodded at Garrus and they both walked towards the door, leaving Kaidan alone with Shepard's mother.

"So, Kaidan, what are you drinking?" Hannah waved down a server that was walking nearby.

Kaidan wrung his hands under the table, "Erm, scotch, if they have it."

"Two scotches, please." Hannah turned back to face Kaidan and narrowed her eyes at him, "So, you're the lieutenant that my daughter was willing to risk her career for?"

Kaidan's cheeks grew uncomfortably hot, "I suppose I am, yes." Kaidan had never been serious enough with a woman to have to face her parents. _Just my luck, right Alice?_

The captain ran her hand through her light brown hair. Kaidan took notice of a few silver streaks as she did. The server came back and set their drinks down on the table, smiled, and then mercifully, walked away.

They both sat in silence sipping their drinks for a few long moments. Then Hannah spoke again.

"She loved you. I hope you know that."

All the air left Kaidan's lungs and the scotch burned his throat on the way down. He truly didn't know how to respond. Of course he knew. Didn't he? She said she did and he believed her. And now seemed like a silly time for him to question that, but that didn't stop his thought from turning down that dark road.

"I loved her, too. And I am so sorry. I should have done…something. Anything."

Hannah smiled softly and shook her head, "It couldn't be helped. If you had stayed, I'd be having this conversation with your mother, instead of you." She set her glass down on the table and folded her hands in front of her, "Wishing will not bring her back. Remember her, and do better for her."

Kaidan took another sip of his drink, "But it doesn't stop the guilt does it?"

Hannah was quiet for a long moment, "No, it doesn't." She drained the rest of her scotch and held her glass up, signaling their server, "Two more please." The server nodded and left and Hannah continued, "But if I know my Allie, she would be disappointed with you feeling guilty over something you couldn't control. From what she told me about you, you tend to over think yourself into an ulcer."

Kaidan chuckled into his glass, "Yeah that sounds like something she'd say. Wait…you called her Allie?"

The server set their drinks in front of them, smiled and left again. Hannah smiled to herself and seemed to be very far away for a few moments. Her eyes refocused, "She hated it."

"It must be a mom thing, then. My mom still calls me Kaidy."

"Well, Kaidy," she laughed at the light shade of red that Kaidan's face turned, "I am going to give you the same advice that I gave to my Allie after her father died. " She drained half of her scotch in one swallow before setting her glass back down, "There is grace after the fall. I promise you that this is not the end of everything."

Kaidan nodded and raised his glass, "To Alice."

"To Alice."

Kaidan took a sip, _I don't know if I am the graceful type…_


End file.
